I have been talking the talk for far too long....giving advice, telling others what i should tell myself...
I am now going to walk the walk...im scared, confused, already thinking of excuses but i want this..i can feel it this time...i dont want ED in my life anymore...It brings nothing but self hate, doubt, loneliness and heartache...I deserve more..I deserve to enjoy what ever time i have left...One reason i have kept ED with me for so long, is i am afraid people wont care for me anymore if im not sick...man, people will care for me more because i will actually see them and be able to give my all in friendships and relationships!i will be engaging and not just present, in order to realise people will still love me i have to get to the place im frightened off and realise that i was worried about nothing!
Its time to face my fears...yes there will be challenges but im going to embrace them with all my determination and strength...ED tells me i have been doing fine like this for so long but i want more...I did an exercise last night...i wrote a list of my typical day (with ED) and my typical day (without ED) with ED i am boring, structured, stuck in routines and not living...without ED i can be free, fun, spontaneous and enjoying whatever each new day brings!
I hope i can do this....any advice would be greatly appreciated...i would love to hear how you all push through and embrace getting healthy both body and mind!
Love you all xxxxx
Friday, 22 May 2009
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Il be back :)
Hey!
I have so much to talk, express, moan, praise about! I have missed you all so much..
I will be back ASAP with a huge post!! i need to tell you about my life, and i could do with some inspiration...Thanks to your blogs, your keeping me going!
Love you all xxxxxxxxxxx
I have so much to talk, express, moan, praise about! I have missed you all so much..
I will be back ASAP with a huge post!! i need to tell you about my life, and i could do with some inspiration...Thanks to your blogs, your keeping me going!
Love you all xxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 25 April 2009
helping hand..
HELLO!!!! Wow i have missed you guys...so sorry i have been so lacking in posts but when i finish work everyday i am just so tired! and i have been looking for my first house!!
So, i thought in todays post that i would share some exercises that i am trying to use to help with my recovery....
Postcard exercise
this is like writing a letter to yourself, just to remind you when you are down, what you are recovering for and how worth it, it is. Buy yourself some postcards (mine have love, smile, happy days, i love you etc on the front) and write on the back a little note to yourself.. one example of my note is 'SMILE, you have so much to live for...this is your time..dont let ED take anymore from you...he has taken to much already.. its now time to shine' once you have written your note, pop it in an envelope and seal it. Do this with as many postcards as you wish, and put them in different places around your house, car, whatever...when you are feeling down, open one, you wont know which one it is, but that little note will remind you of why you wrote those words in the first place and give you a lift :)
6 questions
I got this next exercise from a great book i am reading called 'beating eating disorders step by step' the wondeful woman who wrote it, suffered herself and is now fully recovered, she gives hope that true recovery is possible and writes in a way that tells her readers she truly understands.
The 6 questions exercise helps deal with anxiety and self esteem. when you are having a negative thought whether it be about food, weight, life, anything..ask your self these 6 questions..you wont need all 6 questions for one situation, in some cases you may only need to ask your self 1 question..
what are the fears? ask yourself what you are having the negative thought for, and find an example of when you realised this negative thought it not true...for example 'i have no friends' the fear here is that you will be alone and fear of isolation..then find an example of when you had fun with family or friends and challenge the negative thought.
Am i trying to be perfect? ask yourself who are you trying to please? what are you trying to acheive? would you expect other people to reach the high standards you set for yourself? and imperfection is what makes us unique and beautiful..
Was it really that bad? what ever you got upset about was it so bad to get so upset over? are you making a mountain out of a molehill? challenge these thoughts and remind yourself it could have been alot worse...
How much do i want this to affect my life? How important is the negative thought? is it really that big a deal to let it ruin my day? a good example is if you think you have upset someone...many times i have texted a friend and they havent replied...this gets to me and i think they hate me..i later realise they were jusy busy and were meaning to reply when they had a second! that negative thought could have easily been avoided...we have to realise other people have lives and problems and just because i didnt get a text doesnt mean i have done anything wrong...you may dwell on an upsetting event but are other people? probably not...
Am i really to blame for this situation? this is a really good one to ask yourself, lots of people develop ED's because they blame themselves for things that were not in their control. it is so important to ask yourself whether you should beat yourself up over something you can not control..everyone is in charge of their own behaviour..we can not control other people and the situations they chose to be in..therefore we are not to blame..
How would this appear to someone else? This one really helps me...when i find myself fretting over little things and getting myself upset, i ask myself.. would other people be this anxious? and the answer is always no...consider how you would have dealt with things before you were ill or how your sister or friend deals with situations, events etc..
Journalling
Journalling helps me immensely, whether it be a quote, a revelation, a brainstorm..filling a book with positive things i can look back on really helps me through the tough times.
Photo's
Look at photos of when you were happy, carefree and full of life...relive those moments...remember how you felt...you cant go back to them but you can make you future something you really want...
Talking
it really is the best therapy...whether it be to family, friends, doctors, whoever...dont bottle things up..talking really shows that things can be easier when you say them out loud..
Il be back with more exercises...i think every week i am going to post 'exercise of the week' we can all help each other and rediscover who we really are :)
Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx
So, i thought in todays post that i would share some exercises that i am trying to use to help with my recovery....
Postcard exercise
this is like writing a letter to yourself, just to remind you when you are down, what you are recovering for and how worth it, it is. Buy yourself some postcards (mine have love, smile, happy days, i love you etc on the front) and write on the back a little note to yourself.. one example of my note is 'SMILE, you have so much to live for...this is your time..dont let ED take anymore from you...he has taken to much already.. its now time to shine' once you have written your note, pop it in an envelope and seal it. Do this with as many postcards as you wish, and put them in different places around your house, car, whatever...when you are feeling down, open one, you wont know which one it is, but that little note will remind you of why you wrote those words in the first place and give you a lift :)
6 questions
I got this next exercise from a great book i am reading called 'beating eating disorders step by step' the wondeful woman who wrote it, suffered herself and is now fully recovered, she gives hope that true recovery is possible and writes in a way that tells her readers she truly understands.
The 6 questions exercise helps deal with anxiety and self esteem. when you are having a negative thought whether it be about food, weight, life, anything..ask your self these 6 questions..you wont need all 6 questions for one situation, in some cases you may only need to ask your self 1 question..
what are the fears? ask yourself what you are having the negative thought for, and find an example of when you realised this negative thought it not true...for example 'i have no friends' the fear here is that you will be alone and fear of isolation..then find an example of when you had fun with family or friends and challenge the negative thought.
Am i trying to be perfect? ask yourself who are you trying to please? what are you trying to acheive? would you expect other people to reach the high standards you set for yourself? and imperfection is what makes us unique and beautiful..
Was it really that bad? what ever you got upset about was it so bad to get so upset over? are you making a mountain out of a molehill? challenge these thoughts and remind yourself it could have been alot worse...
How much do i want this to affect my life? How important is the negative thought? is it really that big a deal to let it ruin my day? a good example is if you think you have upset someone...many times i have texted a friend and they havent replied...this gets to me and i think they hate me..i later realise they were jusy busy and were meaning to reply when they had a second! that negative thought could have easily been avoided...we have to realise other people have lives and problems and just because i didnt get a text doesnt mean i have done anything wrong...you may dwell on an upsetting event but are other people? probably not...
Am i really to blame for this situation? this is a really good one to ask yourself, lots of people develop ED's because they blame themselves for things that were not in their control. it is so important to ask yourself whether you should beat yourself up over something you can not control..everyone is in charge of their own behaviour..we can not control other people and the situations they chose to be in..therefore we are not to blame..
How would this appear to someone else? This one really helps me...when i find myself fretting over little things and getting myself upset, i ask myself.. would other people be this anxious? and the answer is always no...consider how you would have dealt with things before you were ill or how your sister or friend deals with situations, events etc..
Journalling
Journalling helps me immensely, whether it be a quote, a revelation, a brainstorm..filling a book with positive things i can look back on really helps me through the tough times.
Photo's
Look at photos of when you were happy, carefree and full of life...relive those moments...remember how you felt...you cant go back to them but you can make you future something you really want...
Talking
it really is the best therapy...whether it be to family, friends, doctors, whoever...dont bottle things up..talking really shows that things can be easier when you say them out loud..
Il be back with more exercises...i think every week i am going to post 'exercise of the week' we can all help each other and rediscover who we really are :)
Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
what is in a comment....
Thank you girls for your comments on my last post...it is what i want in the future and hope to acheive someday soon...
Had a hard day today...so many thoughts whirling round my brain...what do i want? what is holding me back? why cant i push myself? WHY WHY WHY...Am i ready for recovery? Its like i have an angel (me) on one shoulder and a devil on the other (ED) every thought i have the other opposes it..good or bad...
I have so many reasons for wanting to get better and everytime i find a new reason i keep focussing on it so much i lose sight of it and it doesnt feel so important to get there and achieve it... im just scared..everyone says you have to truly what to recover to reach it, and i thought i did but im not showing the signs..
And to top it off, some collegues at work made comments about my weight...someone was handing out cake and i didnt have any..this girl then decided she would share her views on me 'course she doesnt eat..she's too thin too eat' then another person actually asked me if i eat!! i was so embarrassed...why do people think they can openly comment on an underweight person? people who are thin are seen as vain...they dont see the pain..
I do want to recover i really really really really do...just wish i could push myself...i know its about baby steps but im struggling to even make those!
All i know is all of your wonderful blogs keep me going and show me recovery is possible
Thank you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Had a hard day today...so many thoughts whirling round my brain...what do i want? what is holding me back? why cant i push myself? WHY WHY WHY...Am i ready for recovery? Its like i have an angel (me) on one shoulder and a devil on the other (ED) every thought i have the other opposes it..good or bad...
I have so many reasons for wanting to get better and everytime i find a new reason i keep focussing on it so much i lose sight of it and it doesnt feel so important to get there and achieve it... im just scared..everyone says you have to truly what to recover to reach it, and i thought i did but im not showing the signs..
And to top it off, some collegues at work made comments about my weight...someone was handing out cake and i didnt have any..this girl then decided she would share her views on me 'course she doesnt eat..she's too thin too eat' then another person actually asked me if i eat!! i was so embarrassed...why do people think they can openly comment on an underweight person? people who are thin are seen as vain...they dont see the pain..
I do want to recover i really really really really do...just wish i could push myself...i know its about baby steps but im struggling to even make those!
All i know is all of your wonderful blogs keep me going and show me recovery is possible
Thank you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
A-Z of what I want from life...
After reading the wonderful Ellie's post i decided to do my own version of an A-Z of Happiness...
Mine is an A-Z of what I want from life
A- Adventure. Making the most of life and everything it has to offer.
B- Believing i am Beautiful. We are all so Beautiful..and what what makes this is our quirks and uniqueness
C- Communication with loved ones and my inner self. This is one thing i miss and want back. So badly. to be in touch with my loved ones and not fear answering the phone or believing what I really want.
D- Dance. My Love. ED will not take my passion for dance away...
E- Energy! I want to be alive again and not always tired and cold and uncomfortable..i want to be able to jump aroud and be full of beans!
F- FUN! This is a big one for me as i know deep down i am fun loving and that is what makes me feel myself.
G- Girlie times- I want to be able to hang with my girlfriends and be totally focussed on my friendships..
H- Happiness...All i have ever wanted is to be truly happy...whatever it brings...
I-Ice Cream...Ben and Jerrys...Nuff said..
J- Jokes...I love to laugh..you know the laughing so hard it hurts? i LOVE it :)
K-Kindness...to myself...im not so bad :)
L- LOVE...What is there without love? self love? friendship? cuddly love? whatever form i LOVE it..
M-Memories..I want to make memories and look back with a huge smile on my face, knowing i did all i could.
N- Naughtiness..We have to break rules sometimes right? especially in the face of ED.
O- Optimism...remember things could always be worse...i need to be thankful for what i have.
P- Parties! I am a party animal and i want to truly enjoy myself with no worries!
Q- Quirkiness....We all have those traits that make us who we are and who we should embrace.
R- Relaxation...I need to listen to what my body is telling me and honour it..
S- Sexy..I want to feel sexy and embrace my body with confidence!
T- True emotions...I want to go through life feeling true emotion...Feel the pain, happiness, joy, nerves everything that comes with everyday life.
U- Undying love...FOR MYSELF.
V- Vitality...i dont want to feel rundown or ill..I need to be healthy.
W- Wedding...equals family, love, home, partnership. Giving yourself to someone who loves you for you.
X- Xcitment! Life is for living to the fullest..LIVE LOVE LAUGH
Y- Yelling from the rooftops.....Feeling pure freedom.
Z- ZZZZZ...sleeping in a cosy bed with not a worry in the world..
I could do so many more for each letter...Hace a go, its really great :)
Thanks again for inspiring me Ellie, Its what i really needed xxxxxx
Mine is an A-Z of what I want from life
A- Adventure. Making the most of life and everything it has to offer.
B- Believing i am Beautiful. We are all so Beautiful..and what what makes this is our quirks and uniqueness
C- Communication with loved ones and my inner self. This is one thing i miss and want back. So badly. to be in touch with my loved ones and not fear answering the phone or believing what I really want.
D- Dance. My Love. ED will not take my passion for dance away...
E- Energy! I want to be alive again and not always tired and cold and uncomfortable..i want to be able to jump aroud and be full of beans!
F- FUN! This is a big one for me as i know deep down i am fun loving and that is what makes me feel myself.
G- Girlie times- I want to be able to hang with my girlfriends and be totally focussed on my friendships..
H- Happiness...All i have ever wanted is to be truly happy...whatever it brings...
I-Ice Cream...Ben and Jerrys...Nuff said..
J- Jokes...I love to laugh..you know the laughing so hard it hurts? i LOVE it :)
K-Kindness...to myself...im not so bad :)
L- LOVE...What is there without love? self love? friendship? cuddly love? whatever form i LOVE it..
M-Memories..I want to make memories and look back with a huge smile on my face, knowing i did all i could.
N- Naughtiness..We have to break rules sometimes right? especially in the face of ED.
O- Optimism...remember things could always be worse...i need to be thankful for what i have.
P- Parties! I am a party animal and i want to truly enjoy myself with no worries!
Q- Quirkiness....We all have those traits that make us who we are and who we should embrace.
R- Relaxation...I need to listen to what my body is telling me and honour it..
S- Sexy..I want to feel sexy and embrace my body with confidence!
T- True emotions...I want to go through life feeling true emotion...Feel the pain, happiness, joy, nerves everything that comes with everyday life.
U- Undying love...FOR MYSELF.
V- Vitality...i dont want to feel rundown or ill..I need to be healthy.
W- Wedding...equals family, love, home, partnership. Giving yourself to someone who loves you for you.
X- Xcitment! Life is for living to the fullest..LIVE LOVE LAUGH
Y- Yelling from the rooftops.....Feeling pure freedom.
Z- ZZZZZ...sleeping in a cosy bed with not a worry in the world..
I could do so many more for each letter...Hace a go, its really great :)
Thanks again for inspiring me Ellie, Its what i really needed xxxxxx
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Dear ED..
Dear ED,
'I hate you'..There you go i said it, words you thought I would never say, too scared to admit in case i lost control..But i can admit it now..There is nothing I want from you anymore, you make my life hell and cause me to be a person i can never be proud of...
You are like the class bully, people pretend to be friends with you, but deep down they are just scared...im not scared anymore..i dont want you..you know i have trouble telling people how i really feel in case i upset them but now im showing you...you bring nothing to my life worth holding on to...yea you let me think i am in control if i obey you, but its all fake...in fact i couldnt be more out of control, watching the supposedly best years of my life pass before my eyes...
What gives you the right to think you can treat me this way? i wouldnt treat my worst enemy like this....and you call me a friend?! LIAR! I know that now....your a manipulative liar and im not falling for it anymore...
You make me a person i dont want to know, or be around and that is not fair...i have so much to offer and i want to shine in a way only i know how...you cant bring me down anymore...
I wish we had never met, but you know, it happened and now i can be stronger than ever before knowing that i dont need you in my life...your screams are getting louder...but i wont listen...i wont listen...
For now and forever...Good riddance ED!
Thank you girls for all your comments on my last post...each one touched my heart xxxxx
'I hate you'..There you go i said it, words you thought I would never say, too scared to admit in case i lost control..But i can admit it now..There is nothing I want from you anymore, you make my life hell and cause me to be a person i can never be proud of...
You are like the class bully, people pretend to be friends with you, but deep down they are just scared...im not scared anymore..i dont want you..you know i have trouble telling people how i really feel in case i upset them but now im showing you...you bring nothing to my life worth holding on to...yea you let me think i am in control if i obey you, but its all fake...in fact i couldnt be more out of control, watching the supposedly best years of my life pass before my eyes...
What gives you the right to think you can treat me this way? i wouldnt treat my worst enemy like this....and you call me a friend?! LIAR! I know that now....your a manipulative liar and im not falling for it anymore...
You make me a person i dont want to know, or be around and that is not fair...i have so much to offer and i want to shine in a way only i know how...you cant bring me down anymore...
I wish we had never met, but you know, it happened and now i can be stronger than ever before knowing that i dont need you in my life...your screams are getting louder...but i wont listen...i wont listen...
For now and forever...Good riddance ED!
Thank you girls for all your comments on my last post...each one touched my heart xxxxx
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