Friday, 30 January 2009

Thank you xx

First things first....I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented and followed my blog and to the emails i have means so much to me and makes the process of recovery that little bit easier..i am so glad i started this blog and have followed some amazing people in their own road to recovery...THANK YOU!

A little bit about my life, and one of the main reasons for recovery is my love for dance (see my blog name!) I have completed all my grades in ballet and working towards doing the same in tap and modern to hopefully one day own my own dancing school....ED though has tainted this dream... i was recently told that i should cut down how much i dance due to lack of energy and aching of the bones etc.. Basically i am wrecking my dream in dance by having this demon rule my life..Its when i hear things like this that i think 'WHAT AM I DOING?' but ED doesnt listen to that... I used to get complimented for my dancing and now all i get from my teacher, is 'are you sure your going to be ok to do this?' the only thing that really keeps me going at the moment is the adrenaline, if i could look at myself i probably wouldnt think i was a good dancer...whereas before i know i was...I just wish i could hold on to the thoughts i get when i think about i want to dance as good as i used to, i think about it one night, and i am so motivated to get better! then the next morning i am back to the ED ways..Has anyone got any motivation on to how to keep these thoughts to get better and to keep them constantly?

I hope you are all having ED free days...we need to hold on to these and keep moving foward! On a good note...i only weighed my food once today..usually its a long haul..i was so proud of myself..little steps everyone!

I cant wait for the day when i just eat something because i WANT it and CRAVE it..we all deserve to be happy and i promise to each and everyone we will get there :)

Love you all XXXXXXXXXXX

Thursday, 29 January 2009

find the water...dont follow the mirage :)

Hello everyone!

Hope everyone is having a lovely day :)

I had another session with my therapist today and it was really enlightening! i left feeling more motivated to get better and feel great!

We did a few exercises, one of which was to weigh up the pro's of staying at a low weight against the pro's of gaining weight...let me just see my gaining weight list was sooooooooo much longer than not gaining and made me see the life i could have and will have when i make a full recovery :) i highly recommend doing this list for yourselves.

We also discussed the thoughts of being in control...imagine this... you are in a desert and have been given a map to find the water.... there will be many mirages (illusions of water) along the way but the real water is at the end of the journey and will be found if you follow the map...Basically...He made me see that the control we think we get by conforming to ed is actually a mirage, we are always searching for it and think we have found it by restricting but it is never there...we need to follow the map and even though it seems a long way compared to the 'mirages' the real control (water) is at the end of the map :)

Hope this makes sense to everyone... Lets go find the water girls!

Lots of love xxxxx

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

ED rears his ugly head.....

First things first, thank you to the lovely girls who posted on my blog :) much appreciated..also Happy Birthday to Jenny! Have a lovely day xx

So...Unfortunatley ED (or the demon as i like to refere to it) was very much present in my day and plans...I had arranged to meet my friend tonight but after much fighting with my thoughts, ed won, and i didnt i just feel so guilty that i let my friend down, and for what?? all we were going to do was have a good old goss! I dont even know why i didnt go, it wasnt like food was involved :(

Does anyone else get this where they cant bring themselves to go out, even if it doesnt involve food in any way?

I have also wondered how you girls deal with being unable to recognise hunger/fullness and how you stop yourself constantly thinking about food? also, does anyone else allow themselves to have treats or 'bad' food only on certain days? i suppose that is another routine and control i have started adopting...oh to be free! I AM SO READY TO RID MY DEMON...just think i need some stratergies...i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so that will be top of my list to discuss...

I hope i havent put a downer on anyone reading this, i just needed to write down how i felt and know that you guys are understanding :)

I know tomorrow will be a better day, and that the bad days are what makes us stronger and even more determined in our quest to get better and happy :)

'The only mistakes we can make is not learning from our experiences' - I think i have learnt from today, i want to go out with my friends and i will find that inner confidence to do so, and i know when i do i will have a great time

Have a great day/evening ladies

Much Love xoxo

Monday, 26 January 2009

The year of the Ox :)

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I am really believing in fate and signs at the moment, i find it so surreal that i have chosen this year to get better and find myself and it is the year of the Ox, and that is when i was born!

So i have just come back from a lovely holiday with my great boyfriend, and i had a wonderful time. Unfortunately ED was present at times, causing me to restrict as i couldnt weigh, judge certain calories etc, so this caused me to compensae and prob have less than i should and i didnt choose things for me, probably chose what ED wants. I have learnt from this though and it has just made me stronger for my next holiday so i can enjoy it to the full!

I am so determined than ever to get better, for my family, boyfriend, friends, people who look up to me but mainly for MYSELF. i have learnt from some great blogs and lovely emails i have received that you have to do it for yourself and find your inner strength. You have to be your own rock, best friend and treat yourself how you would treat others. I know it isnt going to be easy but i have so many goals to work towards and so much i want to do with my life, and im sorry but ED just doesnt feature!

Would love to hear how you girls deal with your holidays and whether we have any positive quotes, pictures, affirmations for the New Chinese Year! xoxo

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Absence makes the heart grow fonder....


Hope everyone is ok :)

well i have just had to say goodbye to someone who i am VERY close to and who has been my rock and the one who made me realise recovery is the only way forward and to get my life that was very hard!
But, i am determined to use this to show that life must and will go on and i have loads of other support from friends and my inner strength!

hope everything ok with everyone else and if anyone has words of wisdom on getting through times like this it would be greatly appreciated!


Tuesday, 20 January 2009


Hello everyone and welcome to my blog :)
This post is going to be pretty short, as its the first one and im still trying to work it out!
After much consideration, and following lots of inspirational blogs i have decided to set one up of my own, to help with the recovery and much needed motivation needed to rid me of my eating disorder!
I am looking forward to finding the real me again, whilst meeting some great people along the way! xx