Sunday, 2 August 2009


You all amaze me...

The bloggers who have reached a healthy weight and now living the life they deserve..

The bloggers who have reached a healthy weight, sometimes have their down days but never go back because they know ups and downs are a part of life and they finally know what happiness is...

The bloggers who are trying to gain health and fighting every step of the way with strength and determination...

The bloggers who are making their first steps on the important road to recovery...

The bloggers who have struggled, but picked themselves up again...

The bloggers who have struggled, picked themselves up again, even though ED is screaming because they know recovery is the only way to go...

This whole blogging all amaze me...

How do you get out of depression? how do you pick yourselves up? how do you keep going?

Keep on amazing me to all :) xx

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Need a little help from my friends....

Hello :)

So, dont really know where to start this post...think i am just looking for reassurance, advice, well wishes, support, you name it anything positive i need it!

Im doing it girls, im actually doing it this trying to gain health...i was doing well, eating more, socialising more, truly WANTING to do this for my future..but all of a sudden my mind has hit a low....questions spinning round my head..why are you doing this? do you even feel happier? is your life going to be better with out ED? your losing control! blah blah blah....I spoke to my therapist and he said that the gaining process is the have been so used to being underweight, seeing yourself look like that and when you try to gain you have no time to get used to gradually having a bigger body as you have to keep gaining till you hit your goal..only then can you start getting used to a healthy whilst were gaining, were constantly going through different hormonal imbalances, emotions untill we get to our set point... Thats why some people relapse, thats why i have relapsed before...because i couldnt get used to my everchanging body..i never allowed myself to get to my set point and im scared...scared that i wont feel better when im there and scared that i wont have the mindset to conquer all my dreams...for those that are gaining health, what makes you carry on? for those that are at a healthy weight, is it worth it? is life better for you?


Thanks for your advice girls...we need to do put a stop to ed's XXXXXX

Friday, 17 July 2009

quotes xx

Hello beauties...

Just a few quotes to share that i have heard this past couple of weeks from some wonderful people :)

'life is what you make it'
' people who dont love you when you are better and the real you, were never friends in the first place'
'health is the key to happiness'
'if you stay as you are, your life will never change, you will always feel this way, if you take the chance to change, you are giving happiness a chance too'
'everyone has ups and downs, thats just life'
' how you deal with your ups and downs can shape your life'
' you have a future ahead of you, full to make new memories and experiences'
' being ill effects the people who love you too, not you'
' do the opposite to what ED says and you will feel empowered'
' for every one negative, think of ten positives'
' love what you have and who you are'
think of the bigger picture'
your in the weeds right nowe but there is a green field full of flowers waiting for you'
' people are less likely to want to see you now as it is awkward, people will always want to be with you when you get yourself back'
' remember the past, it shapes you, but now live for the future'
'wat doesnt break you only makes you stronger'
' make your dreams realilty'
' your future can be filled with great things, if you let it'
'show everyone who ever doubted you that you can get better'
' allow people back in, allow them to get close'
' getting better doesnt automatically equal happiness but you have the best chance at happiness, if you dont get better there is no chance to be happy'
'take the leap of faith'
'trust yourself and the people who love you, not ED'
'feel love for being you, not because people worry about you'
' you cant have the life you want like this'
'think of your future children'
' you need to get healthy so you can work on your problems with a clearer mind'
'you need to tackle your problems not run or hide or block them out, they will only come back if they are never tackled'
'everyone deserves to be happy including you'

i have more to share..will be back with more :)

love you all, keeping living for your dreams xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 22 June 2009


im doing it taking the leap of faith and there is no going back...i just want to thank you all out know who you have made me see things how they are and how i have a way to go but i can get there with this community behind me, my family, friends and inner strength...

its going to be tough, but im kind of excited?! excited to find myself, rediscover life, enjoy the journey and embrace thoughts and feelings without hiding behind ed...i have so much to be thankful for and at the age of 23, i have wasted to much valuable time giving into ed! it is time to live, love, laugh and sort myself!

I am going to get healthy for myself, my body, my mind, my soul and for everyone out there who cares about me... i want to have beautiful, healthy children in the future....i owe it to my unborn...

and for everyone out there struggling...remember we have the power to change things, we have the power to make things better, we have the power to be happy and we have the power to choose our chosen path...and most of all we have the power to take the leap of faith and discover that even though things may get really uncomfortable at times, we have friends as living proof that getting healthy makes us feel so much better in our skin and minds!

we can all do this, and we have each other every step of the matter how much ed tells you it is safer with him, it is only safe in the sense that you will be is not safe for your body and health, it is not safe for your mind and thoughts and it is not safe for allowing people to get to know and love the real you...ed has no positives, life does :) xxxxxxxxx

Friday, 19 June 2009

free me

I just want to be Happy....why wont ED give me a break...i tell myself i must recover but ED wont let me...i need tips on how to losing my determination...i dont want to be like this...i want a happy, healthy life filled with family, friends, children, love health and happiness.....please just let me be free....please


Wednesday, 10 June 2009


Your blogs are really getting me through right now girls...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart...


Saturday, 30 May 2009

Dont be scared to be beautiful...

Lets not be afraid to be beautiful..
Lets not be afraid to shine...
Lets not be afriad to flaunt womanly curves...
Lets not be afraid to speak our mind..
Lets not be afraid to love..
Lets not be afraid to live..
Lets not be afraid to have fun..
Lets not be afraid to face fears..
Lets not be afraid to feel uncomfortable..
Lets not be afraid to chase dreams..
Lets not be afraid to form friendships..
Let not be afraid to laugh..
Lets not be afraid of freedom..

You know it really hit home the other day...someone said to me 'u would be so beautiful if you were at a healthy weight'...even though my ED is more than just physical and i am struggling mentally...i always think to myself 'your gonna balloon' 'your not going to be loved when your healthy' but the truth is..i will look so muh fact i may even be beautiful :)


Friday, 22 May 2009

Taking the plunge...

I have been talking the talk for far too advice, telling others what i should tell myself...

I am now going to walk the scared, confused, already thinking of excuses but i want this..i can feel it this time...i dont want ED in my life anymore...It brings nothing but self hate, doubt, loneliness and heartache...I deserve more..I deserve to enjoy what ever time i have left...One reason i have kept ED with me for so long, is i am afraid people wont care for me anymore if im not, people will care for me more because i will actually see them and be able to give my all in friendships and relationships!i will be engaging and not just present, in order to realise people will still love me i have to get to the place im frightened off and realise that i was worried about nothing!

Its time to face my fears...yes there will be challenges but im going to embrace them with all my determination and strength...ED tells me i have been doing fine like this for so long but i want more...I did an exercise last night...i wrote a list of my typical day (with ED) and my typical day (without ED) with ED i am boring, structured, stuck in routines and not living...without ED i can be free, fun, spontaneous and enjoying whatever each new day brings!

I hope i can do this....any advice would be greatly appreciated...i would love to hear how you all push through and embrace getting healthy both body and mind!

Love you all xxxxx

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Il be back :)


I have so much to talk, express, moan, praise about! I have missed you all so much..

I will be back ASAP with a huge post!! i need to tell you about my life, and i could do with some inspiration...Thanks to your blogs, your keeping me going!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, 25 April 2009

helping hand..

HELLO!!!! Wow i have missed you sorry i have been so lacking in posts but when i finish work everyday i am just so tired! and i have been looking for my first house!!

So, i thought in todays post that i would share some exercises that i am trying to use to help with my recovery....

Postcard exercise
this is like writing a letter to yourself, just to remind you when you are down, what you are recovering for and how worth it, it is. Buy yourself some postcards (mine have love, smile, happy days, i love you etc on the front) and write on the back a little note to yourself.. one example of my note is 'SMILE, you have so much to live for...this is your time..dont let ED take anymore from you...he has taken to much already.. its now time to shine' once you have written your note, pop it in an envelope and seal it. Do this with as many postcards as you wish, and put them in different places around your house, car, whatever...when you are feeling down, open one, you wont know which one it is, but that little note will remind you of why you wrote those words in the first place and give you a lift :)

6 questions
I got this next exercise from a great book i am reading called 'beating eating disorders step by step' the wondeful woman who wrote it, suffered herself and is now fully recovered, she gives hope that true recovery is possible and writes in a way that tells her readers she truly understands.
The 6 questions exercise helps deal with anxiety and self esteem. when you are having a negative thought whether it be about food, weight, life, anything..ask your self these 6 wont need all 6 questions for one situation, in some cases you may only need to ask your self 1 question..

what are the fears? ask yourself what you are having the negative thought for, and find an example of when you realised this negative thought it not true...for example 'i have no friends' the fear here is that you will be alone and fear of isolation..then find an example of when you had fun with family or friends and challenge the negative thought.

Am i trying to be perfect? ask yourself who are you trying to please? what are you trying to acheive? would you expect other people to reach the high standards you set for yourself? and imperfection is what makes us unique and beautiful..

Was it really that bad? what ever you got upset about was it so bad to get so upset over? are you making a mountain out of a molehill? challenge these thoughts and remind yourself it could have been alot worse...

How much do i want this to affect my life? How important is the negative thought? is it really that big a deal to let it ruin my day? a good example is if you think you have upset someone...many times i have texted a friend and they havent replied...this gets to me and i think they hate me..i later realise they were jusy busy and were meaning to reply when they had a second! that negative thought could have easily been avoided...we have to realise other people have lives and problems and just because i didnt get a text doesnt mean i have done anything may dwell on an upsetting event but are other people? probably not...

Am i really to blame for this situation? this is a really good one to ask yourself, lots of people develop ED's because they blame themselves for things that were not in their control. it is so important to ask yourself whether you should beat yourself up over something you can not control..everyone is in charge of their own behaviour..we can not control other people and the situations they chose to be in..therefore we are not to blame..

How would this appear to someone else? This one really helps me...when i find myself fretting over little things and getting myself upset, i ask myself.. would other people be this anxious? and the answer is always no...consider how you would have dealt with things before you were ill or how your sister or friend deals with situations, events etc..

Journalling helps me immensely, whether it be a quote, a revelation, a brainstorm..filling a book with positive things i can look back on really helps me through the tough times.

Look at photos of when you were happy, carefree and full of life...relive those moments...remember how you cant go back to them but you can make you future something you really want...

it really is the best therapy...whether it be to family, friends, doctors, whoever...dont bottle things up..talking really shows that things can be easier when you say them out loud..

Il be back with more exercises...i think every week i am going to post 'exercise of the week' we can all help each other and rediscover who we really are :)

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

what is in a comment....

Thank you girls for your comments on my last is what i want in the future and hope to acheive someday soon...

Had a hard day many thoughts whirling round my brain...what do i want? what is holding me back? why cant i push myself? WHY WHY WHY...Am i ready for recovery? Its like i have an angel (me) on one shoulder and a devil on the other (ED) every thought i have the other opposes it..good or bad...

I have so many reasons for wanting to get better and everytime i find a new reason i keep focussing on it so much i lose sight of it and it doesnt feel so important to get there and achieve it... im just scared..everyone says you have to truly what to recover to reach it, and i thought i did but im not showing the signs..

And to top it off, some collegues at work made comments about my weight...someone was handing out cake and i didnt have any..this girl then decided she would share her views on me 'course she doesnt eat..she's too thin too eat' then another person actually asked me if i eat!! i was so embarrassed...why do people think they can openly comment on an underweight person? people who are thin are seen as vain...they dont see the pain..

I do want to recover i really really really really do...just wish i could push myself...i know its about baby steps but im struggling to even make those!

All i know is all of your wonderful blogs keep me going and show me recovery is possible

Thank you


Tuesday, 14 April 2009

A-Z of what I want from life...

After reading the wonderful Ellie's post i decided to do my own version of an A-Z of Happiness...

Mine is an A-Z of what I want from life

A- Adventure. Making the most of life and everything it has to offer.
B- Believing i am Beautiful. We are all so Beautiful..and what what makes this is our quirks and uniqueness
C- Communication with loved ones and my inner self. This is one thing i miss and want back. So badly. to be in touch with my loved ones and not fear answering the phone or believing what I really want.
D- Dance. My Love. ED will not take my passion for dance away...
E- Energy! I want to be alive again and not always tired and cold and uncomfortable..i want to be able to jump aroud and be full of beans!
F- FUN! This is a big one for me as i know deep down i am fun loving and that is what makes me feel myself.
G- Girlie times- I want to be able to hang with my girlfriends and be totally focussed on my friendships..
H- Happiness...All i have ever wanted is to be truly happy...whatever it brings...
I-Ice Cream...Ben and Jerrys...Nuff said..
J- Jokes...I love to know the laughing so hard it hurts? i LOVE it :) not so bad :)
L- LOVE...What is there without love? self love? friendship? cuddly love? whatever form i LOVE it..
M-Memories..I want to make memories and look back with a huge smile on my face, knowing i did all i could.
N- Naughtiness..We have to break rules sometimes right? especially in the face of ED.
O- Optimism...remember things could always be worse...i need to be thankful for what i have.
P- Parties! I am a party animal and i want to truly enjoy myself with no worries!
Q- Quirkiness....We all have those traits that make us who we are and who we should embrace.
R- Relaxation...I need to listen to what my body is telling me and honour it..
S- Sexy..I want to feel sexy and embrace my body with confidence!
T- True emotions...I want to go through life feeling true emotion...Feel the pain, happiness, joy, nerves everything that comes with everyday life.
U- Undying love...FOR MYSELF.
V- Vitality...i dont want to feel rundown or ill..I need to be healthy.
W- Wedding...equals family, love, home, partnership. Giving yourself to someone who loves you for you.
X- Xcitment! Life is for living to the fullest..LIVE LOVE LAUGH
Y- Yelling from the rooftops.....Feeling pure freedom.
Z- ZZZZZ...sleeping in a cosy bed with not a worry in the world..

I could do so many more for each letter...Hace a go, its really great :)

Thanks again for inspiring me Ellie, Its what i really needed xxxxxx

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Happy Easter



Love Always xxxx

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Dear ED..

Dear ED,

'I hate you'..There you go i said it, words you thought I would never say, too scared to admit in case i lost control..But i can admit it now..There is nothing I want from you anymore, you make my life hell and cause me to be a person i can never be proud of...

You are like the class bully, people pretend to be friends with you, but deep down they are just not scared anymore..i dont want know i have trouble telling people how i really feel in case i upset them but now im showing bring nothing to my life worth holding on to...yea you let me think i am in control if i obey you, but its all fact i couldnt be more out of control, watching the supposedly best years of my life pass before my eyes...

What gives you the right to think you can treat me this way? i wouldnt treat my worst enemy like this....and you call me a friend?! LIAR! I know that now....your a manipulative liar and im not falling for it anymore...

You make me a person i dont want to know, or be around and that is not fair...i have so much to offer and i want to shine in a way only i know cant bring me down anymore...

I wish we had never met, but you know, it happened and now i can be stronger than ever before knowing that i dont need you in my life...your screams are getting louder...but i wont listen...i wont listen...

For now and forever...Good riddance ED!

Thank you girls for all your comments on my last post...each one touched my heart xxxxx

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Help? Anyone?


Girls, im really struggling...i just wondered if anyone had any advice..i want to ask for help now sooner rather than later and as much as my family and friends try, they just havent experienced it...Also my therapy is cancelled for 3 weeks as my therapist's wife has just had a baby :).

I just dont want to go back...But im so scared of going forward and the fight in me is getting less and less and i dont know why...i was so positive...i still am inside...i just want 'me' back...

Hope your all ok and even if im not commenting on all your posts, i read them and love each and everyone of you xxx

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Missing you..


Again sorry for the lack of blogging...i have little time to do ANYTHING...what with starting my temp job and being constantly tired...whilst trying to actually have a social life and coping with ED...

Yep, you guessed it...He's been up in my business and with full force...forcing me into feelings and routines i thought i was fighting...

Im just lost....But i will be back..

Love to all xxx

PS- all your blogs are helping me so muchg right're angels..xx

Friday, 27 March 2009

Needing a lift

Hello Girlies,

Hope all are well and enjoying life where ever you are in the world :)

I had lots to say and things to touch on, but you know, im just not feeling inspirational or like i can put all the thoughts, feelings into words...I just feel like i am stuck in a rut and need to shake things up abit..but i just dont know how..

As many people have touched on, we have to fake it till we make it but i am so tired of constantly fighting ED seems with trying to recover, ED speaks louder and more agressively than ever before. Dont get me wrong, i am doing better than i have in years...i just have to keep fighting, i am just feeling drained right now and wish for the day things seem that bit easier...

That being said, i have been doing better seeing friends (well last week i was, i have been extra tired this week!) and i have got myself a temporary job to earn some cash whilst looking for my dream career :). I think that is part of my problem though, i am scared of my routine going out the window and losing my 'current' structure...but you know, this could be what i need for my next step in recovery.

I will be back with a more motivating and inspiring post soon for sure :)

Lots of love xxxx

Wednesday, 25 March 2009


Sorry i have been such a bad blogger...i have lots to tell and will update tomorrow :)

Hope everyone is ok and smiling :)

Love always xxxxxx


Friday, 20 March 2009

my first award!!!

First things first, i would like to thank Sheena for my helping hand award! thank you so much sheena, this really made my day!
I would love to pass it on to evereyone as each and everyone of you has helped me in more ways than i can express but i can only send it to 5 beauties:
Honestly i would give it to EVERYONE if i could! love you all!
This is a quick post as i am off to my beautiful Grandmas to celebrate her bday and mothers day, its full of challenges but i am going to enjoy every minute there and you know what? ED is not invited!!!!
I will be back with updates of my weekend.
Love you all...Keep smiling :) Recovery is so worth our efforts xxxxx

Tuesday, 17 March 2009


My Starsign is Scorpio and this is what i read today..i never read my starsign but for some reason i decided to today, this is what it said...

' Things are about to get a whole lot easier. No, really, they are. But i suppose this is abit like saying to someone, in the middle of a thunderstorm, that things are soon going to get a whole lot drier. More rain may yet lie ahead. The skies are still far from blue. Nonetheless the future contains less stress than the past. You have already been through the worst part of a difficult drama. Your current struggle may provoke irksome or upsetting, but you will be able to go beyond it this week, and able, too, to start seeing what it has all been in aid of- and why this has been so worthwhile. PUT ASIDE YOUR SENSE OF MISPLACED GUILT. FORGET YOUR FEAR WHILE YOUR AT IT. ALL WILL BE FINE'.

Maybe this is where i finally put effort in and work hard and actually embrace recovery, you think?

Have a lovely St Paddy's day :) xx

Monday, 16 March 2009

Im back!

Hello everyone!

Hope you have all had a fab week! Mine has been very eventful and busy, but now i have a stinking cold so that is going to slow me down abit :(

Does anyone else find it really strange, how you see what other people see for a minute when you look at pictures of yourself? that happened to me a few times when i saw some friends pictures of the show...little reality checks happened all over the place.

My therapist made me really think the other day, we were talking about gaining weight and recovery, i havent really been putting enough effort in and havent gained. He went on to say that if i truly want to recover it would be both sensible and benefical to gain weight whilst i am under his guidance...As alot of you probably know, outpatient treatment lasts for 6 months here, where you meet weekly with a therapist. I have been meeting since december 08 and havent gained...WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?! i need to push myself more, i just hate feeling uncomfortable...but that is what recovery is about...if your comfortable your not progressing! We also touched on how i am afraid to lose my 'sick' identity as i am worried i wont be loved once i am better...that really made me feel sad, as i imagined someone else saying that to me and my heart would go out to will be a different kind of love when i am better, i will be loved for who I AM and what i bring to the world :)

I have decided today to make a poster of all the reasons i want to get better...i have lots of positive recovery journals but i need something i can look at quickly when times get hard. here are a few things i am going to put on it:

I want to be a mother and experience that kind of love

I want to be able to travel to see my mum, sister and stepdad...i miss them more everyday

I want my dream career

I want solid relationships

I want to get married

I want my social life back

I want to Dance freely and beautifully

I want to live my life how it was destined to be

I want to be healthy

I want to be a role model

I dont want to waste another day

I want freedom and suprise


Have a great day xxxxx

Monday, 9 March 2009

Im going to dance like noone is watching :)

Hello Lovelies!!

First things first, i would like to welcome the new readers to my blog :) I always love hearing comments and knowing that you beauties enjoy what i have to say, so always feel free to comment :)

So Sorry i have been a rubbish blogger recently..I have been so busy with rehearsals etc! Its my show this week and i am so excited but nervous aswell! ED reered his ugly head in many rehearsals, i think it was because i felt exposed on stage, i tried to (rather ED tried to) ignore those feelings and instead thought about food, weight blah blah to consume my mind..Not good when your trying to concentrate and perform the dances to the best of my ability! Prime example that ED does not like you to get the best out of every situation and to actually feel the enjoyment!

I think it is also because of some of the costumes....Lets just say i feel very exposed and i dont really know how i feel about this...I dont even know what else to write about this...its strange!

I have also noticed some fellow bloggers writing about panic/anxiety attacks and i totally relate to this..before ED i was so easy going and now it seems if i am down, the littlest thing triggers a full blown anxiety attack and i struggle to get out of it! It only seems to happen when i am on my own or if i am with my boyfriend, which i hate because i dont want to cause tension in my relationship as he is one of the main people who keeps me going through this. Maybe it is because i know he wont judge me? I just dont know why it is happening and it scares me...After i have one, i always feel more motivated to beat ED but i just dont know how to stop them do you cope if you suffer with them? My therapist told me to try and breath deeply and count slowly to 10 and try to take yourself out of the situation, but that is easier said than done. I also need to find out what triggers them, the last time i had one, i felt really full (fullness is something i struggle with) and i think it was just a way of getting my uncomfortable feelings out? im not sure...All i do know is that i DO NOT want to carry on with this!! I want to go back to being easy going, care free and basically a joy to be around...I have hope i will get there :)

So i will keep you posted on how the shows going...looking forward to hearing from you all and hearing about your adventures :) If anyone wants to email me for a chat, advice, or just to say hey then my email is :

Hope to hear from you lovelies soon!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 3 March 2009


Thank you girls....All your comments helped me realise so much and truly helped in so many ways :) Love you guys!!

I hope this isnt triggering to anyone......

I think my problem is i worry before i have even started! I am just relating to past experiences when i would excessively restrict and then eat and obviously my body would hold on to this! i was in a vicous cycle because then i would restrict even more to lose that and so on even though, like my therapist explained it was most likely water weight....and all for one meal... my body must have been hurting! no food, then one meal? is it any wonder it clung on for dear life......thanks to all your comments i know that when i start eating properly (including things i 'want') my body wont balloon, it will start getting used to eating substansial meals and snacks and even out...AND relating to
Lee and Amy's posts, if its not uncomfortable, then we are not recovering to our full extent! we need to push boundaries and if that means initially gaining weight (and i really need to anyway!) then thats a good thing..I need to get to a healthy weight to nourish my mind body and soul....I am not going to use numbers or anything as it isnt about that, but lets just say im NOT a healthy weight and i have a long way to go, i want to feel good in my own skin and like a woman that i am! and i need to stop worrying so much and embrace recovery...I want to look back and be so proud of how far i have come and i want to be free of ED fully and forever..

Wow, sorry girls just think i needed to get that out...i thought i was doing ok, but i obviously wasnt..i was trying to recover without gaining?!! but that is the first step, as your brain cant recover without your body...and anyway, i want a womans body to be proud of...i have realised that now..I will push more than ever..wish me luck girls...

Loves xxxxx

Monday, 2 March 2009

Any advice?


Hope everyone is ok and had a great weekend :) Mine hs been a busy one filled with dance rehearsals and more dancing on sat night :)

I have my dance show a week today and I am very excited but nervous too! Also my back has been playing up and i just hope it can cope with the next couple of weeks as i have many hours dancing...time will tell!

So, just wondered if i could ask you lovelies for some advice? Basically i am coming to the realisation that to get better, physically and mentally, i need to gain weight...whether i like it or has to happen for full recovery, and that is what i am striving for.
The thing is, i feel i cant eat the things i 'want' and 'like' without ballooning out of control...i know this is silly, but in the past i have let myself have something 'nice' and weighed myself the next day and shock horror gained...The therapist said this is because my body needs it and because after restricting for so long my body is clinging onto any food it can...I have read loads of posts that people are eating more but not gaining, but i feel i am going to eat more and just keep gaining...any words of wisdom, to enjoy good food but not worry about spiralling out of control??

Sorry about this, its just causing my anxiety that i want to get rid off!

Thank you :) Have a lovely day everyone xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Forward Thinking :)

Happy National Eating Disorder Awareness Week everyone!

Here's to making Eating Disorders History forever!

We all have the power, strength and determination to find ourselves and more importantly love who we are, for WHO we are... Happiness comes from within and we have the choice to choose the best, funfilled, inspiring, and love fuelled path possible :)

I have faith in each and every one of us..We are going to look back and realise how far we have come and how much more spirit we have inside us and how thankful we are for a fresh start.

Love always xxxxx

Monday, 23 February 2009

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Mixed bag

Hello everyone!

I am so sorry i have been bad at blogging, i have been keeping up with all of yours and commenting but i have been really busy and i suppose just didnt really know what to write...been a mixed bag of emotions this week!
On the one hand i have been brimming with positivity to get better, and EMBRACE everything that comes with recovery..i just cant wait for the day where i can look at myself and love what i see and embrace my womanly curves and my positive mindset and get back the fun loving girl i used to be! And minute/hour/day i am scared again....scared of losing my identity, scared of hating myself more, scared of how long i will feel like this...and then the cycle begins again...i remind myself i want to get better for myself, for my family/friends, to have children, to not hurt anymore and to look like the beautiful woman i am not a child...
I am sure alot of you can relate to our minds being in overdrive, and knowing i am not going through this alone is such a big help...also reading such inspirational blogs shows me that if you guys can be strong an embrace change, and confront your fears then so can I!

Sorry for this mixed post...i feel better already writing it all out...and with that i will leave you with some inspiration i have read in blogs, emails, texts that will confirm to me that i HAVE to get better :)

'see gaining in all aspects as gaining health'

'a nourished body= a nourished mind and soul'

'we have the ability to be whatever we want to be'

'i want you to be happy and healthy, so i can be happy and are my role model'

'Embrace being a woman- curves=beauty'

'I want to be a mummy some day'

'we are lucky enough to choose health over ED'

'this journey can only make us stronger..'

'do things that make you truely happy, we only have one shot at life, lets make it memorable!'

'surround youself ith healthy, positive people'

'LOVE YOURSELF- loving who you are is the key to happiness'

Sunday, 15 February 2009

wonderfully weird....

Wow what a weekend!

First things first, HAPPY VALENTINES weekend love bugs :) Hope you all had a love filled time however you spent it...

So, friday night i had a night out with my uni girls, we all graduated a couple of years ago so it is always nice to get back together and have a few drinkies! ED messed with me a bit before hand but once i was out and dancing i had a great time!

This is where the wonderfully weird part and the boy decided that we would just go for a couple of drinks on the sat night and have our proper Valentines next week (saves us money and we wouldnt need to book anywhere, romantic i knw haha)..So, we went to one of our locals where there was a the start of his rounds, he came to our table first..he began doing some tricks, and my gosh i dont knw how he did it!! He then did this rope trick, basically he cut the rope in half and then asked me to knot it back together, i dont knw how he did it but the rope ended up as one piece (even thou he cut it) and the knot came off! its hard to explain but it was magic! he then said to me, 'i can tell by being near you that you are a kind and generous person' he asked my boy if that was right, and of course he said yes :). The magician then said, 'i can also tell that you are at the start of a journey and you are trying to overcome something'! he then handed me the knot that came off the rope and said 'this is your lucky knot, carry it with you and it will help you on your way'....Girls, i can not tell you how speechless i was and i just wanted to about a sign to get better!!!

I also had a conversation with my wondeful stepdad, he said that i am stronger than anyone he has known and that i have the strength to get through this...he also made an AMAZING POINT that i think we can all relate to..He said if you have the will power and determination to restrict and starve,no matter how hungry, ill, pressured by friends/family etc you are then you can channel that determination to not starve and overcome ED thoughts...just see it the otherway round now..instead of battling YOURSELF and thoughts, battle ED Thoughts now, we all think we are not strong and struggle to do this but it is becaue we are so strong and have such willpower that we face the obstacles we do...we have very good will power and should change that to benefit ourselves and not ED.

I hope you are all having a wonderful, ED free sunday...we deserve all the happiness in the world :)

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

I heart Secret Cupid :)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU lara for my lovely secret cupid gift!! I absolutely love it!
I wish i had a camera that worked, to show you girls what wonderful gifts i received!
I got a pedicure set, Spa pamper set and some kissable pink mints!!! along with a lovely card...honestly this made my day...Thank you so much.

Hope your all having a great day, will be back later!


Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Blogtastic :)


My gosh there has been so many inspirational posts recently...its overwhelming, thought provoking and motivating!
Some of things i have been picking up on are intution, natural set point, who we are without ED and friendships...

This was a tricky one for me...then i thought..if i asked my family and friends to describe 'me' before ED and now when i hide him away from the world they would say she is:
Funny (i like to be the joker of the pack!)
A Drama Queen! :)
Puts everyone before herself (something i do think i need to work on to find balance of looking after me aswell)
Loud (especially when i get over excited!)
etc (dont you love it when you recognise the good things about yourself and how you could write more?)

And i have always been a daughter, friend, grandaughter, neice and older sister..My little gorgeous sister emailed me the other day saying how much she loves me and how everyone has a superhero they look up to, and i was hers...she said she isnt ready to see the fall of supergirl...and im not either.

This was a strange thing to think about, i mean, before ED i was never big and i used to eat and eat till i was literally stuffed after every meal! i had a huge apetite...thinking about this has made me wonder why i think i would ever uncontrollably gain weight?! i know we all have a set point, where our bodies understand hunger and fullness and where it is 'natuarally' suppose to be in order to function to its best and perform like not sure what is really making me jepordise this...

I really struggle with this and i think it is beacuse i have caused damage to my body i am not yet able to distingish between hunger/full/balance/cravings....etc....
How did you guys recognise these signs and listen to your body? i cant yet hear what it is telling me...

I think this is the main point and i suppose a huge focus of mine to get 'me' back...Before ED i was the life and soul, fun, good to be around and always there for my friends...I still am that person when i 'allow' myself to go out (more to the point when ED allows me too!) but i always feel like i am trying to work hard on being who i am instead of letting it just flow due to anxiety of things around me? can anyone else relate?
I also get sooo paranoid nowadays...'my friends dont like me' 'i always let them down' 'they dont find me fun anymore' that is just not true....the friends who do have some clue about my ED recently said to me that before they knew they just thought i was too busy with other groups of friends (i have different groups who dont know each other) and THEY felt rejected! One thing i didnt realise whilst being so wrapped up with ED is that other people feel insecure and just because they dont have the demon in their head they have feelings...once i sorted this out with them they understood that i did want to go out etc with them i just panic beforehand...there is no pressure now though which is good, but also to 'safe' where now im worried i wont push myself to go out...time will tell i suppose!

I guess you could say i have been struggling abit this week, but reading all your blogs has given me inspiration to try and get through this bad patch...i will come out the other end fighting!

Thank you for all your thoughts and coping methods on certain situations :)


Thursday, 5 February 2009

Forward Thinking...

Hello my lovely bloggers!!

I just want to say i am so proud of my fellow blogging ladies in soooooo many ways...i cant express how much of an inspiration you girls are to me, to move forward, learn from mistakes, not beat myself up and see that recovery is possible and reachable. I am soooo happy for Jaime and Amy following their recent posts...such great news :)

Also, in response to Amy's recent post about 'putting ED on the spot'...i think this is a really good idea...i was advised by my step dad, to everytime ED speaks, recognise this and say to yourself 'ok, im having one of these thoughts!' or make the thoughts speak in a funny vioce so you cant take them seriously! usually, and i agree with this aswell, we are told to ignore these negative thoughts but sometimes if we recognise them we can see that they are irrational and not to be believed...

I was also thinking quite abit about body dismorphia, i find it really quite strange how our brains work...i mean, to me i cant really see the 'skinny' person everyone else see's yet i agree with the masses when they comment on certain celebs etc...also, i think the celebrities that are known for their curves look absolutely fantastic yet i cant find that same love for myself and embrace being a woman i suppose...i am working on it though :)

what are your thoughts on body dismorphi and negative thoughts? would love to hear your experiences :)

Have a great day girlies :) xxxxx

Monday, 2 February 2009

Snow Day and Inspirational Ladies :)


Here in the UK it is SNOWING! its all white and wonderful here :) very cold though, but oh well it looks pretty :)

I just want to start by saying it is such a coincidence that Amy over at Coffee Talk blogged about how she has lost some of her creativity through ed and the same with Jenny at Peanut Butter and Jenny..if you look at my last post i wrote about how ed has made me forget about my passion and love for is still always there, though before it used to be my main focus whereas now i just get fustrated as i can't peform as well as i used to.. since when has ed had the authority to take away my dreams and passion!?
I am dancing/singing in a show in 6 weeks and before i was dreading being judged for not being as good as the other girls, now i am going to enjoy what i love and embrace my talent! so thank you amy for bringing up this vital point :) WE ALL DESERVE TO GET OUR CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING AND EMBRACE OUR TALENTS AND PASSIONS...

I have a few quotes i want to leave you girls with, they are good when you just need a little pick me up...Have a lovely day xx

'The only thing in life to regret, are the risks we didnt take'

'Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find out who you really are'

'Dont measure yourself by the knocks you get in life, measure yourself by your ability and determination to get back up'

'In order to love your life you really have to live it'

'Everything is ok in the end...and if its not ok...its not the end'

'Life isnt about wanting the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain'

'Be a winner, be a star, be happy to be who you are'

'Dont be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin'


Friday, 30 January 2009

Thank you xx

First things first....I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented and followed my blog and to the emails i have means so much to me and makes the process of recovery that little bit easier..i am so glad i started this blog and have followed some amazing people in their own road to recovery...THANK YOU!

A little bit about my life, and one of the main reasons for recovery is my love for dance (see my blog name!) I have completed all my grades in ballet and working towards doing the same in tap and modern to hopefully one day own my own dancing school....ED though has tainted this dream... i was recently told that i should cut down how much i dance due to lack of energy and aching of the bones etc.. Basically i am wrecking my dream in dance by having this demon rule my life..Its when i hear things like this that i think 'WHAT AM I DOING?' but ED doesnt listen to that... I used to get complimented for my dancing and now all i get from my teacher, is 'are you sure your going to be ok to do this?' the only thing that really keeps me going at the moment is the adrenaline, if i could look at myself i probably wouldnt think i was a good dancer...whereas before i know i was...I just wish i could hold on to the thoughts i get when i think about i want to dance as good as i used to, i think about it one night, and i am so motivated to get better! then the next morning i am back to the ED ways..Has anyone got any motivation on to how to keep these thoughts to get better and to keep them constantly?

I hope you are all having ED free days...we need to hold on to these and keep moving foward! On a good note...i only weighed my food once today..usually its a long haul..i was so proud of myself..little steps everyone!

I cant wait for the day when i just eat something because i WANT it and CRAVE it..we all deserve to be happy and i promise to each and everyone we will get there :)

Love you all XXXXXXXXXXX

Thursday, 29 January 2009

find the water...dont follow the mirage :)

Hello everyone!

Hope everyone is having a lovely day :)

I had another session with my therapist today and it was really enlightening! i left feeling more motivated to get better and feel great!

We did a few exercises, one of which was to weigh up the pro's of staying at a low weight against the pro's of gaining weight...let me just see my gaining weight list was sooooooooo much longer than not gaining and made me see the life i could have and will have when i make a full recovery :) i highly recommend doing this list for yourselves.

We also discussed the thoughts of being in control...imagine this... you are in a desert and have been given a map to find the water.... there will be many mirages (illusions of water) along the way but the real water is at the end of the journey and will be found if you follow the map...Basically...He made me see that the control we think we get by conforming to ed is actually a mirage, we are always searching for it and think we have found it by restricting but it is never there...we need to follow the map and even though it seems a long way compared to the 'mirages' the real control (water) is at the end of the map :)

Hope this makes sense to everyone... Lets go find the water girls!

Lots of love xxxxx

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

ED rears his ugly head.....

First things first, thank you to the lovely girls who posted on my blog :) much appreciated..also Happy Birthday to Jenny! Have a lovely day xx

So...Unfortunatley ED (or the demon as i like to refere to it) was very much present in my day and plans...I had arranged to meet my friend tonight but after much fighting with my thoughts, ed won, and i didnt i just feel so guilty that i let my friend down, and for what?? all we were going to do was have a good old goss! I dont even know why i didnt go, it wasnt like food was involved :(

Does anyone else get this where they cant bring themselves to go out, even if it doesnt involve food in any way?

I have also wondered how you girls deal with being unable to recognise hunger/fullness and how you stop yourself constantly thinking about food? also, does anyone else allow themselves to have treats or 'bad' food only on certain days? i suppose that is another routine and control i have started adopting...oh to be free! I AM SO READY TO RID MY DEMON...just think i need some stratergies...i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so that will be top of my list to discuss...

I hope i havent put a downer on anyone reading this, i just needed to write down how i felt and know that you guys are understanding :)

I know tomorrow will be a better day, and that the bad days are what makes us stronger and even more determined in our quest to get better and happy :)

'The only mistakes we can make is not learning from our experiences' - I think i have learnt from today, i want to go out with my friends and i will find that inner confidence to do so, and i know when i do i will have a great time

Have a great day/evening ladies

Much Love xoxo

Monday, 26 January 2009

The year of the Ox :)

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I am really believing in fate and signs at the moment, i find it so surreal that i have chosen this year to get better and find myself and it is the year of the Ox, and that is when i was born!

So i have just come back from a lovely holiday with my great boyfriend, and i had a wonderful time. Unfortunately ED was present at times, causing me to restrict as i couldnt weigh, judge certain calories etc, so this caused me to compensae and prob have less than i should and i didnt choose things for me, probably chose what ED wants. I have learnt from this though and it has just made me stronger for my next holiday so i can enjoy it to the full!

I am so determined than ever to get better, for my family, boyfriend, friends, people who look up to me but mainly for MYSELF. i have learnt from some great blogs and lovely emails i have received that you have to do it for yourself and find your inner strength. You have to be your own rock, best friend and treat yourself how you would treat others. I know it isnt going to be easy but i have so many goals to work towards and so much i want to do with my life, and im sorry but ED just doesnt feature!

Would love to hear how you girls deal with your holidays and whether we have any positive quotes, pictures, affirmations for the New Chinese Year! xoxo

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Absence makes the heart grow fonder....


Hope everyone is ok :)

well i have just had to say goodbye to someone who i am VERY close to and who has been my rock and the one who made me realise recovery is the only way forward and to get my life that was very hard!
But, i am determined to use this to show that life must and will go on and i have loads of other support from friends and my inner strength!

hope everything ok with everyone else and if anyone has words of wisdom on getting through times like this it would be greatly appreciated!


Tuesday, 20 January 2009


Hello everyone and welcome to my blog :)
This post is going to be pretty short, as its the first one and im still trying to work it out!
After much consideration, and following lots of inspirational blogs i have decided to set one up of my own, to help with the recovery and much needed motivation needed to rid me of my eating disorder!
I am looking forward to finding the real me again, whilst meeting some great people along the way! xx