Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Again sorry for the lack of blogging...i have little time to do ANYTHING...what with starting my temp job and being constantly tired...whilst trying to actually have a social life and coping with ED...
Yep, you guessed it...He's been up in my business and with full force...forcing me into feelings and routines i thought i was fighting...
Im just lost....But i will be back..
Love to all xxx
PS- all your blogs are helping me so muchg right now..you're angels..xx
Friday, 27 March 2009
Hope all are well and enjoying life where ever you are in the world :)
I had lots to say and things to touch on, but you know, im just not feeling inspirational or like i can put all the thoughts, feelings into words...I just feel like i am stuck in a rut and need to shake things up abit..but i just dont know how..
As many people have touched on, we have to fake it till we make it but i am so tired of constantly fighting ED thoughts...it seems with trying to recover, ED speaks louder and more agressively than ever before. Dont get me wrong, i am doing better than i have in years...i just have to keep fighting, i am just feeling drained right now and wish for the day things seem that bit easier...
That being said, i have been doing better seeing friends (well last week i was, i have been extra tired this week!) and i have got myself a temporary job to earn some cash whilst looking for my dream career :). I think that is part of my problem though, i am scared of my routine going out the window and losing my 'current' structure...but you know, this could be what i need for my next step in recovery.
I will be back with a more motivating and inspiring post soon for sure :)
Lots of love xxxx
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Friday, 20 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
' Things are about to get a whole lot easier. No, really, they are. But i suppose this is abit like saying to someone, in the middle of a thunderstorm, that things are soon going to get a whole lot drier. More rain may yet lie ahead. The skies are still far from blue. Nonetheless the future contains less stress than the past. You have already been through the worst part of a difficult drama. Your current struggle may provoke irksome or upsetting, but you will be able to go beyond it this week, and able, too, to start seeing what it has all been in aid of- and why this has been so worthwhile. PUT ASIDE YOUR SENSE OF MISPLACED GUILT. FORGET YOUR FEAR WHILE YOUR AT IT. ALL WILL BE FINE'.
Maybe this is where i finally put effort in and work hard and actually embrace recovery, you think?
Have a lovely St Paddy's day :) xx
Monday, 16 March 2009
Hope you have all had a fab week! Mine has been very eventful and busy, but now i have a stinking cold so that is going to slow me down abit :(
Does anyone else find it really strange, how you see what other people see for a minute when you look at pictures of yourself? that happened to me a few times when i saw some friends pictures of the show...little reality checks happened all over the place.
My therapist made me really think the other day, we were talking about gaining weight and recovery, i havent really been putting enough effort in and havent gained. He went on to say that if i truly want to recover it would be both sensible and benefical to gain weight whilst i am under his guidance...As alot of you probably know, outpatient treatment lasts for 6 months here, where you meet weekly with a therapist. I have been meeting since december 08 and havent gained...WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?! i need to push myself more, i just hate feeling uncomfortable...but that is what recovery is about...if your comfortable your not progressing! We also touched on how i am afraid to lose my 'sick' identity as i am worried i wont be loved once i am better...that really made me feel sad, as i imagined someone else saying that to me and my heart would go out to them...it will be a different kind of love when i am better, i will be loved for who I AM and what i bring to the world :)
I have decided today to make a poster of all the reasons i want to get better...i have lots of positive recovery journals but i need something i can look at quickly when times get hard. here are a few things i am going to put on it:
I want to be a mother and experience that kind of love
I want to be able to travel to see my mum, sister and stepdad...i miss them more everyday
I want my dream career
I want solid relationships
I want to get married
I want my social life back
I want to Dance freely and beautifully
I want to live my life how it was destined to be
I want to be healthy
I want to be a role model
I dont want to waste another day
I want freedom and suprise
I WANT TO LOVE LIVE AND LAUGH
Have a great day xxxxx
Monday, 9 March 2009
First things first, i would like to welcome the new readers to my blog :) I always love hearing comments and knowing that you beauties enjoy what i have to say, so always feel free to comment :)
So Sorry i have been a rubbish blogger recently..I have been so busy with rehearsals etc! Its my show this week and i am so excited but nervous aswell! ED reered his ugly head in many rehearsals, i think it was because i felt exposed on stage, i tried to (rather ED tried to) ignore those feelings and instead thought about food, weight blah blah to consume my mind..Not good when your trying to concentrate and perform the dances to the best of my ability! Prime example that ED does not like you to get the best out of every situation and to actually feel the enjoyment!
I think it is also because of some of the costumes....Lets just say i feel very exposed and i dont really know how i feel about this...I dont even know what else to write about this...its strange!
I have also noticed some fellow bloggers writing about panic/anxiety attacks and i totally relate to this..before ED i was so easy going and now it seems if i am down, the littlest thing triggers a full blown anxiety attack and i struggle to get out of it! It only seems to happen when i am on my own or if i am with my boyfriend, which i hate because i dont want to cause tension in my relationship as he is one of the main people who keeps me going through this. Maybe it is because i know he wont judge me? I just dont know why it is happening and it scares me...After i have one, i always feel more motivated to beat ED but i just dont know how to stop them occurring...how do you cope if you suffer with them? My therapist told me to try and breath deeply and count slowly to 10 and try to take yourself out of the situation, but that is easier said than done. I also need to find out what triggers them, the last time i had one, i felt really full (fullness is something i struggle with) and i think it was just a way of getting my uncomfortable feelings out? im not sure...All i do know is that i DO NOT want to carry on with this!! I want to go back to being easy going, care free and basically a joy to be around...I have hope i will get there :)
So i will keep you posted on how the shows going...looking forward to hearing from you all and hearing about your adventures :) If anyone wants to email me for a chat, advice, or just to say hey then my email is : email@example.com
Hope to hear from you lovelies soon!
Love you all xxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
I hope this isnt triggering to anyone......
I think my problem is i worry before i have even started! I am just relating to past experiences when i would excessively restrict and then eat and obviously my body would hold on to this! i was in a vicous cycle because then i would restrict even more to lose that and so on even though, like my therapist explained it was most likely water weight....and all for one meal... my body must have been hurting! no food, then one meal? is it any wonder it clung on for dear life......thanks to all your comments i know that when i start eating properly (including things i 'want') my body wont balloon, it will start getting used to eating substansial meals and snacks and even out...AND relating to Lee and Amy's posts, if its not uncomfortable, then we are not recovering to our full extent! we need to push boundaries and if that means initially gaining weight (and i really need to anyway!) then thats a good thing..I need to get to a healthy weight to nourish my mind body and soul....I am not going to use numbers or anything as it isnt about that, but lets just say im NOT a healthy weight and i have a long way to go, i want to feel good in my own skin and like a woman that i am! and i need to stop worrying so much and embrace recovery...I want to look back and be so proud of how far i have come and i want to be free of ED fully and forever..
Wow, sorry girls just think i needed to get that out...i thought i was doing ok, but i obviously wasnt..i was trying to recover without gaining?!! but that is the first step, as your brain cant recover without your body...and anyway, i want a womans body to be proud of...i have realised that now..I will push more than ever..wish me luck girls...
Monday, 2 March 2009
Hope everyone is ok and had a great weekend :) Mine hs been a busy one filled with dance rehearsals and more dancing on sat night :)
I have my dance show a week today and I am very excited but nervous too! Also my back has been playing up and i just hope it can cope with the next couple of weeks as i have many hours dancing...time will tell!
So, just wondered if i could ask you lovelies for some advice? Basically i am coming to the realisation that to get better, physically and mentally, i need to gain weight...whether i like it or not...it has to happen for full recovery, and that is what i am striving for.
The thing is, i feel i cant eat the things i 'want' and 'like' without ballooning out of control...i know this is silly, but in the past i have let myself have something 'nice' and weighed myself the next day and shock horror gained...The therapist said this is because my body needs it and because after restricting for so long my body is clinging onto any food it can...I have read loads of posts that people are eating more but not gaining, but i feel i am going to eat more and just keep gaining...any words of wisdom, to enjoy good food but not worry about spiralling out of control??
Sorry about this, its just causing my anxiety that i want to get rid off!
Thank you :) Have a lovely day everyone xxxxxxxxxxxx