Thursday, 26 February 2009

Forward Thinking :)

Happy National Eating Disorder Awareness Week everyone!

Here's to making Eating Disorders History forever!

We all have the power, strength and determination to find ourselves and more importantly love who we are, for WHO we are... Happiness comes from within and we have the choice to choose the best, funfilled, inspiring, and love fuelled path possible :)

I have faith in each and every one of us..We are going to look back and realise how far we have come and how much more spirit we have inside us and how thankful we are for a fresh start.

Love always xxxxx

Monday, 23 February 2009

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Mixed bag

Hello everyone!

I am so sorry i have been bad at blogging, i have been keeping up with all of yours and commenting but i have been really busy and i suppose just didnt really know what to write...been a mixed bag of emotions this week!
On the one hand i have been brimming with positivity to get better, and EMBRACE everything that comes with recovery..i just cant wait for the day where i can look at myself and love what i see and embrace my womanly curves and my positive mindset and get back the fun loving girl i used to be! And minute/hour/day i am scared again....scared of losing my identity, scared of hating myself more, scared of how long i will feel like this...and then the cycle begins again...i remind myself i want to get better for myself, for my family/friends, to have children, to not hurt anymore and to look like the beautiful woman i am not a child...
I am sure alot of you can relate to our minds being in overdrive, and knowing i am not going through this alone is such a big help...also reading such inspirational blogs shows me that if you guys can be strong an embrace change, and confront your fears then so can I!

Sorry for this mixed post...i feel better already writing it all out...and with that i will leave you with some inspiration i have read in blogs, emails, texts that will confirm to me that i HAVE to get better :)

'see gaining in all aspects as gaining health'

'a nourished body= a nourished mind and soul'

'we have the ability to be whatever we want to be'

'i want you to be happy and healthy, so i can be happy and are my role model'

'Embrace being a woman- curves=beauty'

'I want to be a mummy some day'

'we are lucky enough to choose health over ED'

'this journey can only make us stronger..'

'do things that make you truely happy, we only have one shot at life, lets make it memorable!'

'surround youself ith healthy, positive people'

'LOVE YOURSELF- loving who you are is the key to happiness'

Sunday, 15 February 2009

wonderfully weird....

Wow what a weekend!

First things first, HAPPY VALENTINES weekend love bugs :) Hope you all had a love filled time however you spent it...

So, friday night i had a night out with my uni girls, we all graduated a couple of years ago so it is always nice to get back together and have a few drinkies! ED messed with me a bit before hand but once i was out and dancing i had a great time!

This is where the wonderfully weird part and the boy decided that we would just go for a couple of drinks on the sat night and have our proper Valentines next week (saves us money and we wouldnt need to book anywhere, romantic i knw haha)..So, we went to one of our locals where there was a the start of his rounds, he came to our table first..he began doing some tricks, and my gosh i dont knw how he did it!! He then did this rope trick, basically he cut the rope in half and then asked me to knot it back together, i dont knw how he did it but the rope ended up as one piece (even thou he cut it) and the knot came off! its hard to explain but it was magic! he then said to me, 'i can tell by being near you that you are a kind and generous person' he asked my boy if that was right, and of course he said yes :). The magician then said, 'i can also tell that you are at the start of a journey and you are trying to overcome something'! he then handed me the knot that came off the rope and said 'this is your lucky knot, carry it with you and it will help you on your way'....Girls, i can not tell you how speechless i was and i just wanted to about a sign to get better!!!

I also had a conversation with my wondeful stepdad, he said that i am stronger than anyone he has known and that i have the strength to get through this...he also made an AMAZING POINT that i think we can all relate to..He said if you have the will power and determination to restrict and starve,no matter how hungry, ill, pressured by friends/family etc you are then you can channel that determination to not starve and overcome ED thoughts...just see it the otherway round now..instead of battling YOURSELF and thoughts, battle ED Thoughts now, we all think we are not strong and struggle to do this but it is becaue we are so strong and have such willpower that we face the obstacles we do...we have very good will power and should change that to benefit ourselves and not ED.

I hope you are all having a wonderful, ED free sunday...we deserve all the happiness in the world :)

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

I heart Secret Cupid :)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU lara for my lovely secret cupid gift!! I absolutely love it!
I wish i had a camera that worked, to show you girls what wonderful gifts i received!
I got a pedicure set, Spa pamper set and some kissable pink mints!!! along with a lovely card...honestly this made my day...Thank you so much.

Hope your all having a great day, will be back later!


Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Blogtastic :)


My gosh there has been so many inspirational posts recently...its overwhelming, thought provoking and motivating!
Some of things i have been picking up on are intution, natural set point, who we are without ED and friendships...

This was a tricky one for me...then i thought..if i asked my family and friends to describe 'me' before ED and now when i hide him away from the world they would say she is:
Funny (i like to be the joker of the pack!)
A Drama Queen! :)
Puts everyone before herself (something i do think i need to work on to find balance of looking after me aswell)
Loud (especially when i get over excited!)
etc (dont you love it when you recognise the good things about yourself and how you could write more?)

And i have always been a daughter, friend, grandaughter, neice and older sister..My little gorgeous sister emailed me the other day saying how much she loves me and how everyone has a superhero they look up to, and i was hers...she said she isnt ready to see the fall of supergirl...and im not either.

This was a strange thing to think about, i mean, before ED i was never big and i used to eat and eat till i was literally stuffed after every meal! i had a huge apetite...thinking about this has made me wonder why i think i would ever uncontrollably gain weight?! i know we all have a set point, where our bodies understand hunger and fullness and where it is 'natuarally' suppose to be in order to function to its best and perform like not sure what is really making me jepordise this...

I really struggle with this and i think it is beacuse i have caused damage to my body i am not yet able to distingish between hunger/full/balance/cravings....etc....
How did you guys recognise these signs and listen to your body? i cant yet hear what it is telling me...

I think this is the main point and i suppose a huge focus of mine to get 'me' back...Before ED i was the life and soul, fun, good to be around and always there for my friends...I still am that person when i 'allow' myself to go out (more to the point when ED allows me too!) but i always feel like i am trying to work hard on being who i am instead of letting it just flow due to anxiety of things around me? can anyone else relate?
I also get sooo paranoid nowadays...'my friends dont like me' 'i always let them down' 'they dont find me fun anymore' that is just not true....the friends who do have some clue about my ED recently said to me that before they knew they just thought i was too busy with other groups of friends (i have different groups who dont know each other) and THEY felt rejected! One thing i didnt realise whilst being so wrapped up with ED is that other people feel insecure and just because they dont have the demon in their head they have feelings...once i sorted this out with them they understood that i did want to go out etc with them i just panic beforehand...there is no pressure now though which is good, but also to 'safe' where now im worried i wont push myself to go out...time will tell i suppose!

I guess you could say i have been struggling abit this week, but reading all your blogs has given me inspiration to try and get through this bad patch...i will come out the other end fighting!

Thank you for all your thoughts and coping methods on certain situations :)


Thursday, 5 February 2009

Forward Thinking...

Hello my lovely bloggers!!

I just want to say i am so proud of my fellow blogging ladies in soooooo many ways...i cant express how much of an inspiration you girls are to me, to move forward, learn from mistakes, not beat myself up and see that recovery is possible and reachable. I am soooo happy for Jaime and Amy following their recent posts...such great news :)

Also, in response to Amy's recent post about 'putting ED on the spot'...i think this is a really good idea...i was advised by my step dad, to everytime ED speaks, recognise this and say to yourself 'ok, im having one of these thoughts!' or make the thoughts speak in a funny vioce so you cant take them seriously! usually, and i agree with this aswell, we are told to ignore these negative thoughts but sometimes if we recognise them we can see that they are irrational and not to be believed...

I was also thinking quite abit about body dismorphia, i find it really quite strange how our brains work...i mean, to me i cant really see the 'skinny' person everyone else see's yet i agree with the masses when they comment on certain celebs etc...also, i think the celebrities that are known for their curves look absolutely fantastic yet i cant find that same love for myself and embrace being a woman i suppose...i am working on it though :)

what are your thoughts on body dismorphi and negative thoughts? would love to hear your experiences :)

Have a great day girlies :) xxxxx

Monday, 2 February 2009

Snow Day and Inspirational Ladies :)


Here in the UK it is SNOWING! its all white and wonderful here :) very cold though, but oh well it looks pretty :)

I just want to start by saying it is such a coincidence that Amy over at Coffee Talk blogged about how she has lost some of her creativity through ed and the same with Jenny at Peanut Butter and Jenny..if you look at my last post i wrote about how ed has made me forget about my passion and love for is still always there, though before it used to be my main focus whereas now i just get fustrated as i can't peform as well as i used to.. since when has ed had the authority to take away my dreams and passion!?
I am dancing/singing in a show in 6 weeks and before i was dreading being judged for not being as good as the other girls, now i am going to enjoy what i love and embrace my talent! so thank you amy for bringing up this vital point :) WE ALL DESERVE TO GET OUR CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING AND EMBRACE OUR TALENTS AND PASSIONS...

I have a few quotes i want to leave you girls with, they are good when you just need a little pick me up...Have a lovely day xx

'The only thing in life to regret, are the risks we didnt take'

'Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find out who you really are'

'Dont measure yourself by the knocks you get in life, measure yourself by your ability and determination to get back up'

'In order to love your life you really have to live it'

'Everything is ok in the end...and if its not ok...its not the end'

'Life isnt about wanting the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain'

'Be a winner, be a star, be happy to be who you are'

'Dont be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin'