Monday, 16 March 2009

Im back!

Hello everyone!

Hope you have all had a fab week! Mine has been very eventful and busy, but now i have a stinking cold so that is going to slow me down abit :(

Does anyone else find it really strange, how you see what other people see for a minute when you look at pictures of yourself? that happened to me a few times when i saw some friends pictures of the show...little reality checks happened all over the place.

My therapist made me really think the other day, we were talking about gaining weight and recovery, i havent really been putting enough effort in and havent gained. He went on to say that if i truly want to recover it would be both sensible and benefical to gain weight whilst i am under his guidance...As alot of you probably know, outpatient treatment lasts for 6 months here, where you meet weekly with a therapist. I have been meeting since december 08 and havent gained...WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?! i need to push myself more, i just hate feeling uncomfortable...but that is what recovery is about...if your comfortable your not progressing! We also touched on how i am afraid to lose my 'sick' identity as i am worried i wont be loved once i am better...that really made me feel sad, as i imagined someone else saying that to me and my heart would go out to will be a different kind of love when i am better, i will be loved for who I AM and what i bring to the world :)

I have decided today to make a poster of all the reasons i want to get better...i have lots of positive recovery journals but i need something i can look at quickly when times get hard. here are a few things i am going to put on it:

I want to be a mother and experience that kind of love

I want to be able to travel to see my mum, sister and stepdad...i miss them more everyday

I want my dream career

I want solid relationships

I want to get married

I want my social life back

I want to Dance freely and beautifully

I want to live my life how it was destined to be

I want to be healthy

I want to be a role model

I dont want to waste another day

I want freedom and suprise


Have a great day xxxxx


  1. Keep repeating this, girl! It's hard, but gaining weight is crucial--no lies, even after the first pound your mind begins to feel so much better and you have way more energy to do stuff. And I imagine it only gets better.

  2. Those are all fabulous reasons for recovery. Remember though, not only is recovery about being uncomfortable but so is living. Think of all the significant and memorable experiences a person might have in life -- sky diving, traveling for the first time a lone, gonig to college. These are all new situations that make a person initially feel uncomfortable, but it is truly living your life.

    You are strong and determined to recover and I know you can conquer ED. Take Care!

  3. Writing down your reasons for recovery can be really helpful, maybe you could print this off and keep it in your bag or something? It's all too easy to get sucked into the ED thoughts and forget what your goals are. I hope your feel better soon, colds are rubbish!

  4. i never "needed" to gain weight as i've never been underweight...that being said, when one who is primarily bulimic (with A tendancies) starts to eat normally again too...we also sometimes gain weight. This is just hard no matter what! No one wants to feel fluffier. We all are addicted to how we feel and look when we are sick. But it is wrong. And even as wrong as we know it is, ED can still makes us want it. But you're right. What we need to want even more is to live our lives in OUR terms, not our ED. So much time and energy is wasted on thoughts of numbers and behaviors and negative thoughts about ourselves. We must move into and then THROUGH the uncomfortable. upward and onward - heave ho! LOL i'm here along side you....fighting, fighting, fighting! xxoo

  5. These are such a great reminder of what recovery can do for you. I know how hard it is to lose the "sick" identity. I know you can do this! Push your boundaries and get out of your comfort zone.

  6. What a great post, babe! Glad you're back - missed ya. I'm glad you had some reality checks in relation to your show. Certain reality checks always help me a lot to see clearly.

    Don't beat yourself up about not pushing yourself hard enough. Maybe being in therapy since December and not gaining has to do with the fact that you weren't ready and didn't have as many motivations then, I don't know, maybe you feel differently but you seem very motivated at the moment and you should catch your dreams :)

    I love that list of goals. Don't let E.D. stop you -
    Much love,

  7. Sowwie you got sick ):

    I totally know how you feel about recovs-gaining weight-etc. I always feel like my recovery has been split in two - before I TRULY wanted to get better and once I made the COMMITMENT to get better. Becos recovs is not all about just having a therapist make you feel good - you're gonna struggle, you're gonna have to WORK hard at it, and YES, you are gonna have to work your way up (or down, for some people) to a healthy weight. 'Tis the way it is, ya know??

    Those are lovely reasons to get better - now, instead of talkin' the talk, we need to WALK THE WALK!


  8. WOW that list is SO MUCH of how I would put it... the scariest part is letting go of substance comtrol, then where do we turn next? Work on building fresh, healthy relationships of course! :D