Monday, 9 March 2009

Im going to dance like noone is watching :)

Hello Lovelies!!

First things first, i would like to welcome the new readers to my blog :) I always love hearing comments and knowing that you beauties enjoy what i have to say, so always feel free to comment :)

So Sorry i have been a rubbish blogger recently..I have been so busy with rehearsals etc! Its my show this week and i am so excited but nervous aswell! ED reered his ugly head in many rehearsals, i think it was because i felt exposed on stage, i tried to (rather ED tried to) ignore those feelings and instead thought about food, weight blah blah to consume my mind..Not good when your trying to concentrate and perform the dances to the best of my ability! Prime example that ED does not like you to get the best out of every situation and to actually feel the enjoyment!

I think it is also because of some of the costumes....Lets just say i feel very exposed and i dont really know how i feel about this...I dont even know what else to write about this...its strange!

I have also noticed some fellow bloggers writing about panic/anxiety attacks and i totally relate to this..before ED i was so easy going and now it seems if i am down, the littlest thing triggers a full blown anxiety attack and i struggle to get out of it! It only seems to happen when i am on my own or if i am with my boyfriend, which i hate because i dont want to cause tension in my relationship as he is one of the main people who keeps me going through this. Maybe it is because i know he wont judge me? I just dont know why it is happening and it scares me...After i have one, i always feel more motivated to beat ED but i just dont know how to stop them do you cope if you suffer with them? My therapist told me to try and breath deeply and count slowly to 10 and try to take yourself out of the situation, but that is easier said than done. I also need to find out what triggers them, the last time i had one, i felt really full (fullness is something i struggle with) and i think it was just a way of getting my uncomfortable feelings out? im not sure...All i do know is that i DO NOT want to carry on with this!! I want to go back to being easy going, care free and basically a joy to be around...I have hope i will get there :)

So i will keep you posted on how the shows going...looking forward to hearing from you all and hearing about your adventures :) If anyone wants to email me for a chat, advice, or just to say hey then my email is :

Hope to hear from you lovelies soon!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxx


  1. I am sorry to hear about your panic attacks, they are scary. I've had them ever since I was very young - way before my eating disorder started - so I am pretty good at coping with them these days. I've found that the best thing to do is to stop whatever I'm doing (don't just try to push on through it), sit down, remind myself that I have had panic attacks before and haven't died/fainted/thrown up because of one yet, and politely tell my body to please calm down! Usually if I sit down and breathe calmly (not necessarily deeply, because that can make you hyperventilate - try breathing in for a slow count of four and out for six or eight) it passes within a few minutes.
    As for triggers - some people always have psychological triggers for panic attacks, but that isn't always the case. My panic attacks are quite often caused by things like unexpected loud noises, or by being overstimulated like when I'm somewhere crowded or in a rush or trying to do three things at once. The physical component of panic attacks is just as important as the emotional one. Keeping a record of them can help - note down what you were doing when it started, possible triggers, how you felt before during and after, how intense it was and how long it lasted, stuff like that.
    I don't know if any of that is helpful, I hope so! Good luck trying to figure it all out :)
    Katie x

  2. I can totally relate to all of this. Being on stage in front of people is intimidating, no matter how many times we've done it before. And it's even worse with Ed braething down our necks. I don't know about you, but after being on stage for about a minute, I forget about Ed and become immersed in the moment, which I think is so important when performing. I actually wrote about this today on my blog-Ed can't affect your ability to kick high or nail a pose, because those things come from inside you, and Ed is only external. Ed doesn't affect your ability to dance. You can do those things because of your TALENT and DETERMINATION that comes from inside you. And in terms of costume, I've so been there. But honestly, if you have a confident, true smile on your face and you let your personality and energy shine through, people will be drawn to you and forget anything else.

    In terms of anxiety, I know I tend to get really big panic attacks when I'm stressing and have lots to do and I get really overwhelmed. This is where compart-mentalizing is really helpful. The metaphor my therapist told me is this: imagine that you have a huge back yard covered with leaves. You stand at the back door looking at all the leaves and you think "oh my god this is way too much I can never do this." But if you divide your big yard into smaller sections and tell yourself "ok, today I'm just going to rake this one little section. Tomorrow I'll rake the one next to it." then before you know it, you've got a clean yard! And you gained a sense of accomplishment each day from each little task.
    I also find it helpful to ask myself just what is bothering me; writing it down really helps. Then writing out steps to overcome this bother..even if you don't do it for some reason, the writing is therapeutic in itself.

    Hope this helps! Break a leg (haha, not really) with your show!

  3. I struggle with anxiety a lot too, particularly when performing. I try to get lost in the music/dance and like nobody is watching!

    Hope rehearsals go well- I know it might look like everyone else is dealing with it fine, but I'd put money on it that other people are pretty nervous too (now let's go hunt down their blogs! :P )

    Hope your week is off to a great start!

  4. First off, let me just say that I love the name of your blog! I've been a dancer since I was three, but then after having spinal fusion surgery my sophmore year of high school, I stopped dancing. I am definitely getting back to dancing this fall by either taking classes again or joining a dance team. Dance is wonderful. It is an escape from the obstacles and hardships of life.

    Now onto the panic attacks.. I was getting them quite frequently at my college. I too got them a lot when I was too full. I would freak out! I get them a lot when I'm overwhelmed with school work and stress also. I've learned from my therapist to breathe or write things down so things aren't bottling up inside. When I start to have high anxiety, I either read or watch tv. I like to get lost in a book because then it stops me from thinking about my own life. Tv is the same way because I get distracted. Sometimes I also walk outside in the fresh air!

    Hope your shows turn out well! xoxo

  5. Thanks for all of your love and support today babe. We will get through this together! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  6. I hope your rehearsals are going well; I'm sure you'll be stellar :) I can't wait to hear how the performances go. Good luck!

  7. Best of luck with the shows! I love seeing the ballet and always admire how graceful ballerinias seem--I am such a "bull in a china closet."
    I also tend to only have panick attacks by myself or in front of my husband. And I hate it because I know it just frustrates him to no end. And I agree with you saying that ED does not allow enjoyment...but remember that life was meant to be LIVED and enjoyed. But most importantly, you deserve to enjoy life.

  8. hi hun
    thanks for all the sweet comments :)
    im sorry to hear about your panick attacks and anxiety :( but i think your doing so great with the self work and hopefully theyl go away.
    best of luck with the show :) i know youll be fantastic!

  9. I totally relate to your anxieties and panic attacks. ED doesn't make it any easier, either! remember, though, that it's just a fEELING, not facts...feeling full may be uncomfortable, but try to think of that feeling of fullness as how your body is using that food to heal itself and make you beautiful and fuel your passions. good luck in your journey, and can't wait to hear your updates on the show!

  10. Hey sweets!

    Sorry that ED is busting in this week, just keep fighting him off! You sound like you are putting up a great fight.

    I used to have anxiety attacks a lot. It often helped cause my binges -- I would try to stop the racing thoughts with consuming lots of food. Not a good method. A therapist I used to see, though, told me to practice meditation every day for 15 minutes. Sitting INdian style with no ditractions and just letting my thoughts come snd go a they will, not really thinking itently or focusing on anything.

    I couldn't really get into the whole meditation thing -- it's just not my thing -- but you might want to give it a shot.

    I hope all is going well, and good luck with the performances. Take Care!

  11. thanks for the motivational comment. i keep thinking about them whenever ED & guilt peeks it's head out during meal times and it's helping :)

  12. Oh... I'm sorry to hear you get panic/anxiety attacks, this occurs alot when Ed is still thrivving within us... Please don't me mad, but as I've been gaining life and becoming more sturdy/healthy/normal, mentally particularly in addition to physically, I've become much less anxious and jittery and empty, and am more willing to take risks- even when it's scary or uncomfortable. :) good luck with dancing and the recital,sI know you'll rock! ;)